August 5th.

August 5th will forever be one of my favorite days. On August 5, 2008 John and I drove to Child Haven to meet a sibling group of 4 that we felt God was telling us to take as our first placement. As we were driving I was feeling so many emotions... excited, nervous, happy, scared. When we walked up to check in we were first directed to the "Agassi Cottage" where babies and special needs children were. As we entered the cottage there was 1 baby screaming his head off and everyone else seemed peaceful. As long as we weren't getting the screamer I was good. Too bad that screamer was Iggi. As I walked over to pick him up I was thinking I could quickly turn and go back to the car and be pretty sure I would never see any of these people again but the moment I picked up that screaming baby, he stopped. Not slowed down, stopped. He just needed some love. As I held him and waiting for his older 3 siblings to come over from their cottage, I spoke with the cottage supervisor. He mentioned that these kids had been in there at least 3 times before, it sounded like jail time or something. He said that he felt the kids were ready to be adopted and joked about how funny it would be if we adopted our first placement.

HOLD THE PHONE!!!!

I'm 23 years old, I've been married for 5 months and you'd like me to adopt 4 kids. You've lost your mind!

I went back to thinking about how quickly I could get to the car and put this whole thing behind me when 3 of the chubbiest faces I'd ever seen came barreling through the door. There was no where to run now. We played with these kids for an hour and they instantly stole my heart. There was no way I was going to adopt them but I could see taking care of them for a little while. We said goodbye to Iggi and walked the 3 big kids back to their cottage. After seeing where they all slept, played and ate, we asked Jose how he would feel about living with us for a while. He had such a concerned look on his face. After a few moments of silence (the only time Jose has EVER been without something to say) he asked if his baby brother could come too. Once we assured him that Iggi would be joining us, he smiled and agreed to come home with us the next night.

The following day, it took 2 cars and 3 adults to pick up the kids and after dinner, baths and a very rough bed time, day 1 was over. I didn't know what we had gotten ourselves into but I knew we were doing what we were called to do.

August 5, 2010, after 2 years of ups and downs, good times and bad, much laughter and many tears, we were once again in the car driving to Bonanza and Pecos...this time, to legally adopt Jose, Diego, Zoe and Iggi. There were times I directly told God, "I am not adopting these kids.". Well, I guess we all know I'm not in charge. I couldn't have planned a more perfect life for myself if I tried. Praise God he doesn't leave that up to us.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future".

blessed.

I'm not really sure how I got so blessed in life. Jesus seriously loves me. I'm sitting in my dream house, nursing my baby, listening to music while my 4 beautiful children are playing ever so nicely in the playroom and my amazing husband is at work. Really? This is my life? Most certainly undeserved.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I can't say that I've always "Delighted myself in the Lord". I'm sure there's a kajillion things I've done that He didn't think were so delightful. Praise Jesus for grace! There were times in my life when I couldn't understand why such awful things were happening to me....now I can't understand how I ended up living my "dream life". I need to trust that God knows the whole picture. He really did keep his promises to me and has given me more than 10 fold of what I lost. Praise Jesus.

sleep.

Benjamin has been waking up every 2 hours to nurse since the day he was born. He has been the hugest blessing, a fabulous baby that hardly ever fusses or has anything to complain about EXCEPT for when it comes to sleep. A 9 month old should not be waking up every 2 hours to nurse. He has been sleeping in a pack n play in our room since he out grew his bassinet to accommodate this eating every 2 hours and to make things "easier" on me. Usually after his 5am feeding he would just end up in bed with John and I. I most definitely can not say that I don't enjoy him sleeping in bed with us. There is this amazing feeling of contentment when he is laying beside me asleep and I can smell his beautiful clean baby hair and see the peacefulness of God in his face. On the other hand, I haven't had more than 2 hours of consistent sleep in over a year. The severity of the situation was brought to my attention when Isaac (my nearly 3 year old nephew) stayed the night with us while my sister and brother-in-law when out for their anniversary. He couldn't sleep on his own. There I was in bed (a queen size bed) with John, Benjamin, myself and Isaac trying to get even a few winks of sleep. I realized if I didn't start trying to fix this problem that Benjamin would be 3 years old sleeping in our bed and this was no way to have a healthy marriage or get good sleep. I did some research and read a lot about babies crying themselves to sleep and the best thing I saw was a video clip my friend Clare sent me. It explained that in order for babies to learn to put themselves back to sleep (once they've been used to only falling asleep with milk (nursing)) they have to first learn how to put themselves to sleep initially and the best way to start this is with a routine.

So June 2, 2010 I decided it was the night to start. I began the routine with a bath followed by lotion and pajamas, nursing until very sleepy, a story and then prays. I laid Benjamin in the pack n play and then struggled through 46 minutes of screaming. Thank God my mom was talking me through it the whole time or I'm not sure I would have made it. I checked on him after 15 minutes, put his binky back in and reassured him that I loved him. 15 minutes later John did the same and 15 minutes after that I did it 1 last time and he fall asleep a minute later. Success. Benjamin still woke up 2 hours later and needed to nurse to go back to sleep but I reminded my self that he first had to learn how to fall asleep before he could learn how to fall back to sleep.

Night #2, mild crying for 19 minutes. I could do this. Still waking every 2 hours to nurse but I had hope.

Night #3, less than 15 seconds of whimpering and the boy was asleep.

WOW! I felt like more than a conqueror! A few more nights of this and we might get some where! Every night from there on out was a little different, some with mild whimpering some with crying up to 5 minutes but nothing I couldn't handle. During 1 of his night feedings I went to the bathroom after he started crying before picking him up to feed him and realized that if I wasn't in his sight he stopped crying. After going to the bathroom I sat in the hall for about 5 minutes. Not ideal, but he did put himself back to sleep.

June 15, 2010 I had decided would be the first day of Benjamin sleeping in his crib in his room. After adjusting his crib to be lower down and running through the routine I laid him down. Not much more than a minute of crying and he was out. I was so proud. ...until he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I let him cry and he was back alseep a few minutes later. I thought, "Ok, this is good" until 30 minutes later he was at it again. This time the crying went on for 5+ minutes and now he had woken Iggi and they were both crying. I couldn't handle this, I needed sleep. So I went and got Benjamin and he slept with us the rest of the night.

June 16, 2010 we went through our normal routine and this time daddy prayed after story time. I felt God VERY clearly speak to me "Anoint him with oil". I know when God speaks, it's a VERY good idea to listen. As soon as John finished praying I said, "Hold on, we need to pray again. God told me to anoint him with oil". I went over to the linen closet and grabbed some oil, anointed Benjamin's head and said another prayer. I felt such peace. I laid Benjamin in his crib and walked out. He cried for a few seconds and then he was asleep. At almost exactly the 2 hour mark he started to cry. John went in and gave him his binky and he cried on and off for a few minutes but then put himself back to sleep. I went to check on him a few minutes later and his binky was on the floor but he was asleep. John and I went to bed and even though I was feeling a little strange without Baby in the room, I feel asleep. I woke at 2:15am (I'm sure out of habit) and went to the bathroom. I laid back down but couldn't go to sleep. Had Benjamin really been sleeping in his crib for almost 5 hours??? He's never slept that long in his life! I checked on him to make sure he was ok and he was as cute as can be fast asleep. I laid there for a while just trying to fall back to sleep. At 2:45am I heard him whimper for about 5 seconds and that was it. I couldn't believe my baby had just put himself back to sleep.

It is now 3:51am and Benjamin is still asleep. Mommy on the other hand, had to take advantage of this quiet time to get the story written down so I can recall the details in the morning.

God has been so good to me. Blessed me with the most incredible family and friends. I shall now indulge in some tea and toast and try to go back to sleep.


James 5:14&15 "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven."

selfish.

I feel like junk today.

Stuffy nose.

Sore throat.

Painful ears.

Headache.

Bleh. All I want to do is sleep and sleep some more. Today is one of those days when life would be so much easier if I weren't a mother. Who takes care of a mom when she's sick? No one. Pitty party for one over here. Zoe used a sharpie marker all over an embroidered wall hanging I've had since I was a baby and I was reduced to tears. I keep telling myself all this stuff is going to burn one day and I seriously need to get over it and move on but I'm stuck.. Stuck in a very selfish "I wanna sleep, leave me alone" state of mind. Jesus I need help.

Matthew 6:19-20a "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourself treasures in heaven..."

I will thank HIM for HIS goodness.

I'm choosing now to be ok. [...and to take a nap].

7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days.

That's how old Benjamin is today and exactly how old Iggi was when he came home with us. I'm a mess today. It's 1:30pm and I'm still in my pj's crying up a storm. God restores. Amen! That first day with Iggi I didn't know what to do. What do you mean this kid can't sit up? He can't even roll over? He's only ever had a bottle, he doesn't make eye contact, he can't pick up a toy. I have a vegetable, not a baby.

If only you could see Iggi now! You would never know this incredible 2 year old was such a short time ago so developmentally delayed. My kids give me hope. Hope that God always keeps his promises. Hope that God will ALWAYS give you just what you need to get through.

Today, Iggi is 2, Zoe is 4, Diego is 5, Jose is 6 and God is good.

Psalm 139:14 " I praise YOU for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

one.

Some days I feel if I don't take 1 second to get my thoughts down on paper, I'm going to lose my mind. Ever tried finding paper AND a pen in a house of 7? Not such an easy task. I figure this is the next best thing and with all these kids, this is the only way I'll ever be able to recall anything years from now, let alone in the next 5 minutes.