7 days without Mr. Souza.

Well, this is the blog that never really happened. I tried hard but was never able to get back to it. Guess that speaks to the crazy!...


Sunday:

The easiest of all days (mostly because it was time for bed after I got home from taking John to the airport). Kids showered and went down for bed without too much fuss. Very thankful for Jaime wearing them out at the park. Pretty uneventful night....until 4:30am. I woke up to the loudest shrill and about jumped out of bed (except I was too scared to actually get out of bed)!! Once the shock wore off, I was able to associate the sound with a Zhu Zhu pet, one that I was never able to find. That's life with boys.


Monday:

So thankful for friends like Kim Parker! She offered to take my kids to school so I wouldn't have to get the heard up and out the door before 8:00am. A very peaceful morning for which I am very grateful. Just after breakfast with the little boys, Benjamin brings me a tennis ball...covered in poop. I quickly stop nursing Kennedy and go to remedy the situation. 1 diaper, 1 plastic bag, 10 baby wipes and a million Lysol wipes later, all is well. 10:00am, poop explosion from Kennedy. 11:00am, poop explosion from Isabella. Conclusion, there is too much poop in my life, time to start thinking about potty training Benjamin. Oy! Thanks to Kim also bringing the kids home from school, I was able to take a nap AND a shower today as well as do ALL of my thank you cards. Feeling very accomplished right now! After getting some homework out of the way, loaded up all the kids and headed to run errands. Post Office, Bank & Pizza with a car full of screaming babies. Good times. Thank God for food. Food always stops the crying. Scary. This is how food dependency is started. I totally get it. Things started to get a little nuts again after homework. Nana to the rescue. She held Kennedy and read to Zoe while I got all the boys bathed and ready for bed. Once everyone was down, I collapsed on the couch with Kennedy and watched the first few episodes of the Cosby Show. What a classic. This is when the thunder started. Oh. My. Word. A serious storm. We've never had the power go out at this house but I sure wasn't going to chance it while John out of town. I'm afraid enough as it is. I went to the garage and hunted through the camping equipment until I found a lantern. With the lantern by my bedside, I was ok to go to sleep.


Tuesday:

I thought the storm was bad last night?!?! You can't even see down our street. It's pouring buckets and with the big kids off to school, a very scared Iggi and Benjamin climb into my bed for some cartoons while we wait and see if the storm will pass. About 10:00am things had cleared up enough that I felt safe to drive and we loaded up the car to head out for a play date at Emily's. Loving hanging out with Emily, Bonnie and a whole heard of children. Emily very graciously fed us all lunch and a little after noon we loaded up to head back home. Papa was staying with the kids while I headed off to the dentist. What was I thinking? I was convinced that because I wanted Kennedy to sleep through my whole appointment that she would. Ha! She started crying about 2 minutes into my cleaning. After Kennedy being passed back and forth from hygienist to hygienist while I had the quickest and most painful cleaning I've ever had, I nursed her while I waited to get my teeth polished. When the young gal walked in to polish my teeth and saw me nursing, she very quickly walked out and apologized. Still can't figure out why nursing freaks people out so much. Once I had Kennedy back in her car seat, she started on the polishing. I went over to the other side of the office to get xrays and have my exam. Kennedy waiting outside the room for me, what a big girl ;) And...NO cavities!! :D After getting home, Dad left pretty quickly to take care of his business and I got back to addressing announcements. A few minutes later, the rest of the crew got home and we got to homework. Joe stopped by to say hi and meet Kennedy for a few minutes before heading to the airport. After dinner we got back to homework. Bleh! It's only week 3 of this school year and I'm SO done with homework.

Wednesday:

It rained more last night but this morning it seems to have lifted. I took the kids to the park, very much in need of fresh air and outdoors. How do people do it in places where it rains all the time? We had planned to meet some friends and before they arrived, we played on the swings. I must have been a sight. The only people at the park, I was pushing 3 kids while nursing Kennedy. Ha! I'm an old pro now. Our friends got there and as fabulous as the playground looked to me, the kids thought the mud was a much more interesting option. After a few hours of good conversation with a grown up, it was time to go and I was not letting those muddy boys in my car! With Jackson and Benjamin stripped down to their underwear and diaper, we headed home. Lunch and nap for the kids and a little cat nap for mommy before a visit from Stephanie and Gunnar. I can't help but think about how God works miracles every time I see Gunnar and remember back to the first time I visited him in the hospital. He was born at 29 weeks and tiny as can be. You'd never know it now!


Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

Isabella.

On December 2, 2010 the phone rang, it was DFS. Seeing any phone number that starts with 455 always makes my stomach turn just a little. Not sure why. My kids are my kids and no one can change that. I think it just brings back memories of waiting to hear the out come of meetings or hearing when the next possible life changing court date might be or that the person on the other end has a child that needs to be placed in a loving, safe home. That was the case on this day. The woman on the other line was looking for placement for a 13 day old baby girl that was born drug exposed and currently detoxing with methadone. Yowza. Were we ready for this? A baby girl from the hospital, how ideal. A drug exposed baby girl from the hospital, how scary. I asked her a few more questions then asked if I could call my husband and call her back. I briefly spoke with John, I think my excitement was a bit too much for him. We prayed and felt God was leading us to bring this sweet girl home. I called placement back and got all the details, called a sitter and drove to Summerlin Hospital to pick up a baby that would again change our lives. I walked into the NICU and was lead over to the tiniest little baby girl. Born at 5lbs 2oz and currently weighing 4lbs 13oz, she was so small. The nurses gave me the run down of her feeding and medicine schedule then I packed up all of her stuff, put her tiny little body in the car seat and walked out the door. What on earth had I just done? Was I really ready for this? The next few weeks are a blur of detoxing screams and loads of sleepless nights. I couldn't believe what a fighter this little girl was. Shaking fits, endless screaming, and random things like endless sneezing. Every time she was given her methadone, her eyes would dilate and she would instantly chill. It was crazy. She was slowly gaining weight and at the same time, her dose was going down every few weeks. It was almost 3 months before she was completely off. Isabella is now 8 1/2 months old and you'd never know of her early struggles looking at her now. She is eating, crawling, pulling up on everything, even climbing the stairs. She is just about sleeping through the night which I never thought was possible in those early days when she wasn't sleeping more than 10 minutes at a time. I'm amazed daily at how God restores. We have no idea what the future holds for Isabella and if she will be apart of our family for a little longer or forever, only Jesus knows. For now, we will love her and care for her and pray over her sweet little life.

August 5th.

August 5th will forever be one of my favorite days. On August 5, 2008 John and I drove to Child Haven to meet a sibling group of 4 that we felt God was telling us to take as our first placement. As we were driving I was feeling so many emotions... excited, nervous, happy, scared. When we walked up to check in we were first directed to the "Agassi Cottage" where babies and special needs children were. As we entered the cottage there was 1 baby screaming his head off and everyone else seemed peaceful. As long as we weren't getting the screamer I was good. Too bad that screamer was Iggi. As I walked over to pick him up I was thinking I could quickly turn and go back to the car and be pretty sure I would never see any of these people again but the moment I picked up that screaming baby, he stopped. Not slowed down, stopped. He just needed some love. As I held him and waiting for his older 3 siblings to come over from their cottage, I spoke with the cottage supervisor. He mentioned that these kids had been in there at least 3 times before, it sounded like jail time or something. He said that he felt the kids were ready to be adopted and joked about how funny it would be if we adopted our first placement.

HOLD THE PHONE!!!!

I'm 23 years old, I've been married for 5 months and you'd like me to adopt 4 kids. You've lost your mind!

I went back to thinking about how quickly I could get to the car and put this whole thing behind me when 3 of the chubbiest faces I'd ever seen came barreling through the door. There was no where to run now. We played with these kids for an hour and they instantly stole my heart. There was no way I was going to adopt them but I could see taking care of them for a little while. We said goodbye to Iggi and walked the 3 big kids back to their cottage. After seeing where they all slept, played and ate, we asked Jose how he would feel about living with us for a while. He had such a concerned look on his face. After a few moments of silence (the only time Jose has EVER been without something to say) he asked if his baby brother could come too. Once we assured him that Iggi would be joining us, he smiled and agreed to come home with us the next night.

The following day, it took 2 cars and 3 adults to pick up the kids and after dinner, baths and a very rough bed time, day 1 was over. I didn't know what we had gotten ourselves into but I knew we were doing what we were called to do.

August 5, 2010, after 2 years of ups and downs, good times and bad, much laughter and many tears, we were once again in the car driving to Bonanza and Pecos...this time, to legally adopt Jose, Diego, Zoe and Iggi. There were times I directly told God, "I am not adopting these kids.". Well, I guess we all know I'm not in charge. I couldn't have planned a more perfect life for myself if I tried. Praise God he doesn't leave that up to us.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future".

blessed.

I'm not really sure how I got so blessed in life. Jesus seriously loves me. I'm sitting in my dream house, nursing my baby, listening to music while my 4 beautiful children are playing ever so nicely in the playroom and my amazing husband is at work. Really? This is my life? Most certainly undeserved.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I can't say that I've always "Delighted myself in the Lord". I'm sure there's a kajillion things I've done that He didn't think were so delightful. Praise Jesus for grace! There were times in my life when I couldn't understand why such awful things were happening to me....now I can't understand how I ended up living my "dream life". I need to trust that God knows the whole picture. He really did keep his promises to me and has given me more than 10 fold of what I lost. Praise Jesus.

sleep.

Benjamin has been waking up every 2 hours to nurse since the day he was born. He has been the hugest blessing, a fabulous baby that hardly ever fusses or has anything to complain about EXCEPT for when it comes to sleep. A 9 month old should not be waking up every 2 hours to nurse. He has been sleeping in a pack n play in our room since he out grew his bassinet to accommodate this eating every 2 hours and to make things "easier" on me. Usually after his 5am feeding he would just end up in bed with John and I. I most definitely can not say that I don't enjoy him sleeping in bed with us. There is this amazing feeling of contentment when he is laying beside me asleep and I can smell his beautiful clean baby hair and see the peacefulness of God in his face. On the other hand, I haven't had more than 2 hours of consistent sleep in over a year. The severity of the situation was brought to my attention when Isaac (my nearly 3 year old nephew) stayed the night with us while my sister and brother-in-law when out for their anniversary. He couldn't sleep on his own. There I was in bed (a queen size bed) with John, Benjamin, myself and Isaac trying to get even a few winks of sleep. I realized if I didn't start trying to fix this problem that Benjamin would be 3 years old sleeping in our bed and this was no way to have a healthy marriage or get good sleep. I did some research and read a lot about babies crying themselves to sleep and the best thing I saw was a video clip my friend Clare sent me. It explained that in order for babies to learn to put themselves back to sleep (once they've been used to only falling asleep with milk (nursing)) they have to first learn how to put themselves to sleep initially and the best way to start this is with a routine.

So June 2, 2010 I decided it was the night to start. I began the routine with a bath followed by lotion and pajamas, nursing until very sleepy, a story and then prays. I laid Benjamin in the pack n play and then struggled through 46 minutes of screaming. Thank God my mom was talking me through it the whole time or I'm not sure I would have made it. I checked on him after 15 minutes, put his binky back in and reassured him that I loved him. 15 minutes later John did the same and 15 minutes after that I did it 1 last time and he fall asleep a minute later. Success. Benjamin still woke up 2 hours later and needed to nurse to go back to sleep but I reminded my self that he first had to learn how to fall asleep before he could learn how to fall back to sleep.

Night #2, mild crying for 19 minutes. I could do this. Still waking every 2 hours to nurse but I had hope.

Night #3, less than 15 seconds of whimpering and the boy was asleep.

WOW! I felt like more than a conqueror! A few more nights of this and we might get some where! Every night from there on out was a little different, some with mild whimpering some with crying up to 5 minutes but nothing I couldn't handle. During 1 of his night feedings I went to the bathroom after he started crying before picking him up to feed him and realized that if I wasn't in his sight he stopped crying. After going to the bathroom I sat in the hall for about 5 minutes. Not ideal, but he did put himself back to sleep.

June 15, 2010 I had decided would be the first day of Benjamin sleeping in his crib in his room. After adjusting his crib to be lower down and running through the routine I laid him down. Not much more than a minute of crying and he was out. I was so proud. ...until he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I let him cry and he was back alseep a few minutes later. I thought, "Ok, this is good" until 30 minutes later he was at it again. This time the crying went on for 5+ minutes and now he had woken Iggi and they were both crying. I couldn't handle this, I needed sleep. So I went and got Benjamin and he slept with us the rest of the night.

June 16, 2010 we went through our normal routine and this time daddy prayed after story time. I felt God VERY clearly speak to me "Anoint him with oil". I know when God speaks, it's a VERY good idea to listen. As soon as John finished praying I said, "Hold on, we need to pray again. God told me to anoint him with oil". I went over to the linen closet and grabbed some oil, anointed Benjamin's head and said another prayer. I felt such peace. I laid Benjamin in his crib and walked out. He cried for a few seconds and then he was asleep. At almost exactly the 2 hour mark he started to cry. John went in and gave him his binky and he cried on and off for a few minutes but then put himself back to sleep. I went to check on him a few minutes later and his binky was on the floor but he was asleep. John and I went to bed and even though I was feeling a little strange without Baby in the room, I feel asleep. I woke at 2:15am (I'm sure out of habit) and went to the bathroom. I laid back down but couldn't go to sleep. Had Benjamin really been sleeping in his crib for almost 5 hours??? He's never slept that long in his life! I checked on him to make sure he was ok and he was as cute as can be fast asleep. I laid there for a while just trying to fall back to sleep. At 2:45am I heard him whimper for about 5 seconds and that was it. I couldn't believe my baby had just put himself back to sleep.

It is now 3:51am and Benjamin is still asleep. Mommy on the other hand, had to take advantage of this quiet time to get the story written down so I can recall the details in the morning.

God has been so good to me. Blessed me with the most incredible family and friends. I shall now indulge in some tea and toast and try to go back to sleep.


James 5:14&15 "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven."

selfish.

I feel like junk today.

Stuffy nose.

Sore throat.

Painful ears.

Headache.

Bleh. All I want to do is sleep and sleep some more. Today is one of those days when life would be so much easier if I weren't a mother. Who takes care of a mom when she's sick? No one. Pitty party for one over here. Zoe used a sharpie marker all over an embroidered wall hanging I've had since I was a baby and I was reduced to tears. I keep telling myself all this stuff is going to burn one day and I seriously need to get over it and move on but I'm stuck.. Stuck in a very selfish "I wanna sleep, leave me alone" state of mind. Jesus I need help.

Matthew 6:19-20a "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourself treasures in heaven..."

I will thank HIM for HIS goodness.

I'm choosing now to be ok. [...and to take a nap].

7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days.

That's how old Benjamin is today and exactly how old Iggi was when he came home with us. I'm a mess today. It's 1:30pm and I'm still in my pj's crying up a storm. God restores. Amen! That first day with Iggi I didn't know what to do. What do you mean this kid can't sit up? He can't even roll over? He's only ever had a bottle, he doesn't make eye contact, he can't pick up a toy. I have a vegetable, not a baby.

If only you could see Iggi now! You would never know this incredible 2 year old was such a short time ago so developmentally delayed. My kids give me hope. Hope that God always keeps his promises. Hope that God will ALWAYS give you just what you need to get through.

Today, Iggi is 2, Zoe is 4, Diego is 5, Jose is 6 and God is good.

Psalm 139:14 " I praise YOU for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."